Dear Mother Nature,

Thanks for all the rain this summer. No, really. Thanks so much. As you can see, my flowers look great:

I don’t even have to remember to water them. At all. Really. So thanks. A lot.

Aren’t the begonias to-die-for? Truly?

So here’s the thing, Mother Fucker Nature. I’ve kinda had it up to my hooters with the rain for this summer. Actually, all the way up to my hooters, in my nose and out my eyes. With. The. Rain.

Let’s talk. I know, I know…usually by this point in the season I’m complaining about the heat and the humidity. So you thought you’d switch things up a bit this year and flood grace us with record-breaking downpours. How sweet. Really.

Know what’s really sweet? This is really sweet:

This is my new outdoor furniture. Purchased this year. For outdoor enjoyment and entertainment. You know, summer fun ? Have you heard of it? It’s totally rad. All the cool kids are doing it. Or they’d like to be. If it weren’t for the rain.

Here’s another little sweetie:

Yeah, that’s my deck. Newly stained. Decorated with the above-mentioned flowers. Great view. Pretty. Pretty. Pretty.

But.

But.

Thanks to you, and your rain, I can’t use any of it. When the rain stops, the chairs are too wet to sit on. When the rain stops, our yard is soggy so Little Man, as you’ll remember, won’t walk on the grass ’cause it’s “too icky.” When the rain stops, there are puddles. Where there are puddles, there are mosquitos and bees and wasps. And we don’t even need to discuss the mossies and the bees and the wasps around the flowers again, do we?

So please. I hate beg you: Give us a little break-y, will ya? Just a teeny one. One weekend without a downpour. One round of 24 hours without a “severe thunderstorm watch.” One. That’s all I ask.

And don’t go getting all bitter ’cause I’m asking you to change. Don’t start thinking of ways you could get back at me with, say, a week with humidex readings of 45 degrees or record low temps. Don’t even go there. ‘Cause you know what? No matter how much of a spiteful bitch you can be? You’re not half as bad as I am with a good dose of PMS. Just a little tidbit for ya.

So are we good? We clear on that? Yeah? Mmmm. Thanks.

Kia

P.S. Don’t even THINK about getting back at me with the winter stuff. Does the word  WAR mean anything to you?