…and some Good Enough Mothering thrown in for good measure!
Sensory Processing Disorder, Exhibit # 3,498:
We’re in the car, today, riding with my dad, Little Man’s Papa. Little Man’s CD of the Watoto Children’s Choir is blaring quite loudly. My dad and I are trying to carry on a quiet conversation…
Little Man: “AGGGGHHHHHH!!!! STTTOOOOPPPPP IT!!! STOP YOUR TALKING!!”
Kia: “Little Man, please don’t be so rude. Papa and I are trying to have a little chat while you listen to your music.”
Little Man: “BUT I CAN’T hear my music. It’s my favorite song and now you’ve ruined it!”
Kia: “Buddy, you need to get over yourself! ” (I didn’t say this was a proud moment)
Little Man: “But, aggghhhhh…the talking is hurting my ears and I can’t listen to my music when my ears are hurting.”
Kia: Sigh. Turn to face dad. “Sorry*, dad. I think I need to get him his own little portable cd player with headphones so that he can ‘hear’ his music without his ‘ears hurting’ from the quiet conversation.”
*I feel like I do a lot of apologizing and compensating for my son’s behavior. I feel kind of disloyal to him sometimes when I do it, but I’m always too frigging worried about what other people think.
Sensory Processing Disorder, Exhibit # 3,499:
We’re in Little Man’s bathroom, going through the agonizinglovely parts of his bedtime routine. I’m holding LM’s spidey toothbrush in my hand, clenching my jaw and yet still managing to spit out the words…
Kia: “Little Man, we do this every single day. TWICE! You know that you have to brush your teeth. You know that if you don’t brush your teeth, you’ll get cavities. Just brush. your. teeth.”
Little Man: “I caaaaaaannnnnnnn’t….. It’s grrrrrroooooossssss. It makes me puuuuuuuukkkkkeeee. I caaaaannnn’t…..”
Kia: “LIT.TLE. MAN! Brush them!”
Little Man (gagging and begging me with his eyes to pleasemakeitstop, inserts toothbrush delicately into his mouth)
Kia (realizing, again, for the millionth time, how incredibly hard and uncomfortable this is for my boy): “Aw, baby, I know it’s hard and you hate it. I’m so proud of you for doing such a good job. Just a little more. You’re doing awesome babe.”
Little Man (spitting, very dramatically): “Blech. Gross. Can I be done now?” (And he’s gone. Out of the room.)
This same routine happens twice daily in our house. Don’t you wish you could be me? Better yet, don’t you wish you could be Little Man? Poor little dude. I just wish I could find more patience. Be less of a bitch, you know? It’s so bloody hard.
Sensory Processing Disorder, Exhibit # 3,500:
Tonight, as I’m gently tucking Little Man in to bed,
Little Man: “Ow! Mommy! You’re hurting me!”
Kia: “Oh. Sorry buddy. I was just trying to give you a love touch.”
Little Man: “Love touches shouldn’t hurt, Mommy.”
Kia: “Ok, next time I’ll warn you before I’m going to give you a love touch. Would that be better?”
Little Man: “Yes, Mommy. Much better. Next time, you ask permission before you give me a love touch.”
Kia: “Ok, baby.”
At times like this, it really saddens me to think of how hard life can be for my boy. A simple thing, like a tuck-in from mommy, is such an ordeal for his little body and mind. It should be a warm, fuzzy kind of thing, but instead it’s just one more thing that he needs to prepare himself for. Prepare me for. I know it could be so much worse, but it makes me sad.
Good Enough Mothering
I read in one of the books about SPD that it’s smart to only plan one or two “events” or “errands” in the day for an SPD child. The reasons for this are blatantly apparent, to a parent of an SPD child: overstimulation, tantrums resulting from overstimulation, and embarrassment for the parent and the child as a result of the overstimulation and its resulting tantrums. I read this a while back, and I’ll be honest: I kind of poo-pooed it and went on with my busy little life and did whatever else I could to avoid the outbursts and tantrums.
Lately though, Little Man has become quite a home-body. He likes his own stuff, he likes his own environment, and he doesn’t do well around strangers. Again, it’s easy to see why. He knows how his own stuff works, he knows where to find everything in his own environment, and strangers are unpredictable and therefore undesirable.
This means that he will avoid errands such as grocery shopping or clothing shopping like the Plague. He begs me to just “stay home today.” He yells and cries when I tell him that we haveto go out because we need groceries or we have a playdate booked or an appointment with a doc or an OT. Lately, he’s even resisting walks to the park, which he used to love.
All of this tantruming and fuss has led me to re-evaluate things. A lot. And the conclusion I’ve come to is that the authors are right. How original, huh? The experts are right. I bet they’re glad to have this affirmation from me. Little old me. Hahaha! Riiiigghhhtt.
I’ve made some changes over the past few weeks. We have a new Rule. Basically, we have one thing planned for each day. Be it grocery shopping, a playdate, a swimming lesson, an OT appointment, whatever. There is onething planned for each day. It’s easy sometimes, especially when a friend asks if we can get together, to contemplate a little breakage of the Rule, but you know what? It’s sooooo not worth it. The breakage (almost) always leads to a meltdown, which always leads to me beating myself up for even thinking about breaking the Rule. So I’m doing my best to stick to the Rule.
And when I do it? It works. I’ve seen some good results from the Rule. Little Man is calmer. He really enjoys being at home. He, in his own quirky way, shows his gratitude for this Rule (even though he doesn’t officially know that the Rule exists): by being a happier (or less ornery?) kid, by not losing it before dinner time even rolls around, just by being slightly more predictable in his behavior.
So although the Rule can’t be written in blood and its breakage be followed by a severe, bloodied punishment, it can be strictly enforced. There will be days where we just have to do two things within a 24-hour period. There will be times that, for fun’s sake (hopefully!), it will be broken or bent. I realize this. But for the sake of my own sanity and Little Man’s happiness, the Rule will be in place.
How about you? Do you have a Rule in your house? One thing in particular that you can think of, that you really do your best to stick to, for sanity’s sake?
That’s awesome. I’m glad you’ve come up with a rule that seems to be helping.
With Frances it’s the opposite–I have to force myself to make at least one plan per day, and more is better, because she’s such a social and busy littl eperson and I would so much rather stay home and take things easy on my days off. But she has more fun and is happier when she gets to interact with lots of people and experience new and exciting things.
Funny how our kids are each so unlike their mothers in some pretty key ways.
By: Andrea on August 5, 2008
at 8:26 pm
You are amazing! I would be locked up tight in the looney bin were I having to deal with the same things you are. We tend to abide by the ‘One Outing A Day Rule’ around here as well . . . Maren is pretty content and easily goes with the flow, but Cooper is a bit more schedule driven and needs a bit more structure – running around doing to many things tends to overwhelm him (like a very, very, very watered down version of SPD.)
Out of curiousity, is SPD something that Little Man may ‘outgrow’ as he gets older? Or have adults with SPD just become so adept at handling it that the rest of us just don’t notice? (I hope it isn’t rude of me to ask – I would love to Google it right now, but the kids have other plans for me!)
By: Nicole on August 5, 2008
at 9:39 pm
I know what you mean about the teeth brushing. Danny has actually gotten better with this over the last 3 years, but it is still a struggle. And we have the same rule about one thing per day. I found the same thing true for my kid. More than one errand and I lose him. D is a homebuddy as well and it worries me sometimes until I remember that, like you said, home is where he can control things.
My other rule, which I have just recently instituted (and which I break all the time) is to follow my instincts, no matter what anyone says. I just recently visited my family in Chicago and everything that went wrong was totally my fault because I disregarded my instincts. For example, I knew deep down it was a bad idea to go to my sister-in-law’s birthday party–it was right in the middle of naptime for Char, it was at a restaurant and so there was nothing fun for kids to do, and there were a lot of people. And of course, the food did not in any way resemble anything Danny would ever let pass his lips (well, besides the bread and butter). I don’t know why I didn’t listen to my gut, but I am learning that when I don’t, I always pay for it.
By: Patty on August 5, 2008
at 10:21 pm
Last year Chee was a homebody and we did the one outing a day thing. Over the course of the last year, she’s totally changed. Now she constantly wants to go to “One more place.” I will make plans to go to 2 places but only tell her about one, and then when she asks to go to one more place, I can say Oh OK how about we go to whatever… She loves it. Sometimes our 2nd outing is as simple as vacuuming out my car at the car wash. Every night as she’s getting ready for bed she’ll say, “Okay, Mommy, tell me about the places tomorrow.” Some days (like today) I tell her tomorrow is going to be a “home” day which she now says as “Homey.” It’s very cute. “Today is a homey day,” she’ll say.
My rule is the same as Patty’s up there – listen to my gut. My sister was on our vacation last week and she has a 4 1/2 yr old totally typical daughter. I just had to be upfront on some things and say, “Sorry, but I know Chee won’t like that,” or “I know she’ll want to leave early,” or whatever. It was fine, too, my sister was cool with it. I can’t think right now of any specific rules we have to maintain calm and balance. I’m telling you – a year from now you’re going to be saying the same thing.
BTW – is your OT having you do the brushing thing on LM? It’s supposedly very effective for tactile sensitivity. If not doing it, maybe ask her??
By: Good Fountain on August 6, 2008
at 12:06 am
I gave N a toothbrush one day to “play” with no toothpaste. Okay not sanitary but he chewed it and sucked on it now he will brush his teeth. He is more sensory seeking so that kind of issue doesn’t happen often:)
Follow instinct is right Patty- That sense of pending doom is always right on for me!
By: susanlindgren on August 6, 2008
at 8:20 am
i cant imagine what you are going through… but you seem to have a grip on it. much strength to you. I just wrote a blog on my parenting style which was challenged by an incident lately. i do have rules but they are loose at the best of times.
By: Darckchocolate on August 6, 2008
at 10:32 am
Andrea, we should trade every so often. I bet you’d appreciate Frances’ mild temper even more than you already do!
Nicole, it’s not rude at all! I think the right answer, generally, is that people do tend to find some ways of coping and adapting their lives to their needs. However, there are adults who still really suffer with it.
Patty, the rule about following your instincts is a VERY VERY VERY good rule! I need to adopt that one. Now. Again, it goes along with worrying too much about what other people think, etc. I need to listen to my instincts sometimes and just bail when I need to bail. Thanks for the reminder!
GF, I’ve been meaning to ask our OT about the brushing. I’ve read quite a bit about it and I’m curious to know our OT’s opinion on it. Actually, even if she doesn’t think it will work, I’m still tempted to try it. Anything’s worth trying, right? Have you done brushing? Did you buy the special brushes or just use something of your own?
Susan, LM is ok with just a plain toothbrush, too. It’s the taste/texture of the toothpaste that seems to bother him. The only one we’ve found that he doesn’t gag on is the baby one. I’m just concerned that he needs the toothpaste with the flouride in it. Ugh. I should ask our dentist about it, but that would involve actually taking LM into the office. That was a nightmare the last time….
DC, thanks for dropping by! It’s always fun to have comments from new people. I was just over at your blog and read your “incident” report. HOW AWFUL! Just like something out of a movie or a book. I’m so glad you chose that time to become more strict! So scary!
Thanks everyone!
Kia
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at 3:44 pm
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By: Anne on August 9, 2008
at 5:41 am