In case you’re a new reader here, I’d like to direct you back to this post: The Top Ten Reasons I’m NOT The World’s Worst Mother.  Once you’ve read that post, please come back here and read this one.

Since I’ve been feeling like a shiteous (at best) mother this week, I thought I’d let the world know just how bad my mothering is. Please, if you decide to report me, do it somewhere with a warm, sunny climate. When I’m committed, I’d like it to be somewhere with palm trees and exotic flowers.

1. Tonight, after removing them from the oven, I dropped Little Man’s chicken buddies on the kitchen floor as I attempted (stupidly) to transfer them to his plate. I glanced quickly (after gasping, albeit quietly, “Oh, shit!) into the family room, saw that he hadn’t noticed, and bent down to retrieve the buddies. Blowing on them to remove the dust/rotting food particles/hairs/critters, I started to sing the theme song to Leave It To Beaver and promptly tossed them on his plate. Crisis averted, I actually had the nerve to congratulate myself on a job well done.

2. When people (mostly those who read about my life here) tell me that I’m doing a great job with Little Man and that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, I actually accept their kind words. I put my shoulders back a little, tossle my hair, and smugly smile, all the while thinking, Holy shit, I really DO have people fooled. It’s a good thing they don’t know what I’m really like as a mom.

3. I often bitch and complain about my life as a wife and mom. I do it in front of my kid. I regret it instantly, but still. I bitch. For example, I’m so SICK of this crap! I can’t take it any more. I am SO DONE with this life. I am losing my FREAKING mind!  Yeah, you might want to consider it carefully before you call me June Cleaver again. I’m so much more Roseanne than June. Sad, but true.

4. I trick my kid into thinking that chores are fun. A lot. Hey, buddy! Want to help mommy with the laundry again? It’s your lucky day…… I’ll let you push the buttons AND pour in the detergent…

5. I tell Little Man that he has 5 minutes left of television time, then let another hour slip by, just because I’m enjoying the peace and the time at my computer. He is going to be up a fecking creek when it comes time to learn how to read a clock in school. Or is it ME who will be up the creek? Who am I kidding? It’s SO going to be me.

6. I spit on my hand and smooth out Little Man’s hair when we’re going out. If he gets canker sores on his scalp, I’m so at fault.

7. I say “maybe” a lot, when I really mean “no,” but it’s just easier using the “maybe” clause in order to get out of a jam. I’m all about avoiding the tantrums and conflict. I think he’s on to me, though. Lately when I say “maybe,” Little Man follows it up with this retort: Mommy! Just say yes or no. It’s not hard. I need to know the truth. 

8. Sometimes I wish Little Man were “Normal.” Even for a day or two, just so I could see what it’s like to have a “Normal” kid. I’m so betting it would be a piece of cake. Cake with icing. Lots and lots of icing.

9. I feed my kid fast food several times per week. Like, almost once a day. He’s probably addicted. He’s probably going to be the next Super Size Me dooood. Feck. More therapy.

10. Sometimes I forget to care that I’m raising a child who will, as a result of my shiteous mothering, require more therapy than one family could ever hope to afford. Ok, maybe “forget” is a strong word. Let’s say I let it slip my mind, temporarily.

11. Apparently, I let my son put plastic bags on his head. Also apparent is the fact that instead of removing the plastic bag and scolding him because it, like, could KILL him or something, I grabbed my camera and recorded the moment for future dramatic courtroom evidence posterity. Or future blackmail.

12. There are way more reasons that I might be the world’s worst mother, but I’m too embarrassed to share them here.
Here’s where you come in: I need you to give me some reasons that YOU might be The World’s Worst Mother. If you can’t think of anything, make something up. You’re doing it to help a friend, namely, ME. Take one for the team, sports. Take one for the team.

If you want to do an entire post on this, let me know and I’ll put up a linky-link to your post.

I’m off to blog-surf now, even though I should be doing laundry or planning fun activities for my child. Or sumfin.

Kia

P.S. I think I’m going to petition the Dictionary Authorities to have “Fecking” and “Shiteous” added to the dictionary. I’m, like, so totally sick of spell-check underlining my fun words in red. It’s not good for my alter-ego.

Other Really Bad Mothers:

Krystal, of Mommy’s Escape, might be the World’s Worst Mother.

Mrs.B, of Outnumbered Two To One, might be the World’s Worst Mother.

Beth, of Fragile What?!?, might be the World’s Worst Mother.

Nathan’s mommy, of It’s All About Potential, might be the World’s Worst Mother.

Bonnie, of Let It Be Autism, might be the World’s Worst Mother.

Kat, of Mother Fonker, might be the World’s Worst Mother.